Easter Sunday

zIMG_14489atnccropEaster Sunday. A very busy week ended with a insane busy weekend. Thank you Jesus for giving your life for me so I can be forgiven…..

I was told to start letting it get air so here you go. It’s getting air.

I see him early tomorrow morning and then getting my full body check. I’m not worried. I don’t think they will find anything.

Sorry for the short entry but my reserve tank is empty.

I’m going out looking like this in the morning so world, here I come…….

Had a bad night

Wow! I had a major bad night. I had some residual pain pop up from my root canal last Thursday. That was enough to bring this grown woman to her knees. I can’t believe I’m actually trying to deal with two major things in my life at the same time. Dental procedures and facial surgery. If it doesn’t kill me I’m definatley going to be one tough cookie. And throwing in cooking for Easter dinner helps bring the stress full circle.

But thank you Jesus I called my dentist and she’s going to help me survive the weekend and finish my root canal early this week. How many dentist would just go out of their way to accommodate your life and your schedule? Not many and she’s my angel. Thank you Dr. Stewart for being my angel and I’m sorry for hunting you down on your weekend. You are the best and I always know I can count on you.

So I’m thinking about trying to stuff some Easter eggs. At least I know I’m not going to die from Endocarditis this weekend.

Last but not least, actually it’s first in my heart. Thank you Dear Jesus for dying on the cross for me and giving your life for my sins so that I might be forgiven. You are the King of Kings.

It’s all still intact

Going to get the incision checked. I thought it bled too much and I wanted to make sure nothing busted loose. I don’t know why I’m smiling in this picture. I guess I just hate a sourpuss face. This is Day three, right? Hoping to get a new bandage and get this bloody one off. After all  Easter is here and I needed a fresh bandage so I can be in some pictures. Right? Right…….that doesn’t explain the silly face but at least I’m not pooching my lip out.

zz0311-002My new clean bandage. He said everything looked awesome and thankfully nothing had busted loose. Everything was still in tact. Thank you Dear Jesus.

zz0299-005Dr. Jim said that this scar was going to be a awesome one. He said, “I think your going to like it.” I told him I already knew I’d like it. The first one didn’t look too awfully bad and we hadn’t even started scar therapy. I am so blessed to have such a awesome team on my side.

Just Checking

I have moved my Monday appointment to see Dr Lowe to tomorrow at 2:00 just to make sure I didn’t bust some stitches. The bleeding was probably normal but I’d rather make sure. The first surgery my face was numb for three days so it wouldn’t move at all. This time I moved it way too much. I will feel better knowing its all intact. So I’m going to try and get some rest so my feet can hit the floor running.

So all will be good. I guess I will still have to go Monday for my full body check. I bet that will be fun…..NOT

No Smiling

I think I might have jumped the gun on smiling to stretch the skin. It was either that or I shouldn’t have been chewing food but I got my incision bleeding last night and it kind of scared me. I sure hope I didn’t break something open. I’m not moving my mouth until Monday until I see the surgeon. It probably wasn’t as much as I thought it was but anytime you feel something wet rolling down your face it’s sort of frightening. I’ll call the Dr. If it does it again. My bandage sure won’t be very pretty for Easter dinner.

Day Two (again)

Day two. I’m up and at my regular duties. There’s not much convalescing time when your business is a two man show. This is a busy time of the year with taxes and fixing to be the end of the month.

I slept good. Probably because I didn’t sleep much the night before. I set my phone to play an hour of a medium size rain storm and only remember about five minutes of it. I did wake up every time I turned over but that is normal. For some reason it’s all I can do to roll over with back pain. And one time my face got stuck to my pillow and I had to carefully un-peal myself from the pillow case.

Both my cheeks are hot and rosy so there my be a tiny bit of fever in there. The incision didn’t get numbed this time so I woke up in recovery this time hurting. The last surgery the numbing lasted three days. This time I don’t think he hardly used any. He said he was sorry. So I’m having to take the pain pills which I don’t like to have to do.

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I’ve decided that if I do a lot of fake smiling that the skin will stretch faster. Only thing it hurts to smile right now. I’ll have to fake smile right after a pain pill. How’s this for fake smiling?

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This time it not only pulled my eye down, it pulled my lip higher. That might be good to have a higher lip but not a droopy eye.

I hope I’m not coming off like I’m vain. I think it’s more of my impatient nature. I know in the end they won’t leave me disfigured but I don’t want to wait for the skin to stretch, I want it now..!! Today..!!

I promise pictures when I get use to looking at them first. That’s my purpose in this blog is for you to walk it with me so I know that includes pictures 😉

This is part of my “Jesus Calling” devotional for today.

Be still in My Presence, even though countless tasks clamor for your attention. Nothing is as important as spending time with Me. While you wait in My Presence, I do My best work within you: transforming you by the renewing of your mind. If you skimp on this time with Me, you may plunge headlong into the wrong activities, missing the richness of what I have planned for you.

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Lord this is your daughter Vickie, help me to be patient so that I can let You do your best work in me.

March 26th The Day

I’m not sure at this point I want to go out in public. Another big piece has been removed from my face. It was a lot.

I know I’m suppose to be the big brave tower of strength but I felt myself crumble today. I have been emotionally weak most of the day.

He’s expecting the pathology to come back in my favor but wanted to remind me that since the cancer skips, it certainly could come back to where we have to cut again. And since I’m so darn unlucky, that scares me. Also a friend that’s a Dr. wants me to take it very serious and watch it very close.

I’m hoping it stops. I want it dead.

We are starting the healing process all over from the beginning. I can see where a person could grow weary but I’m going to try and stay positive. It’s just not me to stay down for the count.

Maybe a picture tomorrow. I’ll just add them to this entry so watch for them that’s if you want to see them.

zz057I don’t look very happy here. It was a lot better when I had all the kids and family there to distract me. This second surgery I told them not to fuss over me that it was going to be a piece of cake. Anyways, this is what it looked like right before he drew on me with the magic marker :-/

zz060This is the markings of what he took out. Of course they cut on the outside of the blue line. I was sort of prepared but it’s always shocking to see it in a picture. My face is feeling pretty tight now. See how much more that eye is opened up than the other side. It’s even more opened now.

zz135Trying to look fake happy that it’s over. Looks like they gave me a iodine bath.

zz133Phase two after the recovery room. The room you have to drink and pee and stand in before they will let you go home.

zz074Depends on the way I hold my head whether the droop shows as bad. Maybe it’s if my mouth is closed that pulls my eye down. I’ll just have to walk around with my mouth open all the time……lol.

Waiting On Me

Waiting On Me

This is my Jesus Calling devotional for today, March 26th, the day of my surgery.

“Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.”

“I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one’s circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence. Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will. It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy.”

I liked the first part – “Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do.” I like to think about all the possibilities of what His plans are.

The whole thing spoke to my heart for this particular day. It says for me to trust God with every fiber of my being instead of trying to figure things out myself, to live in deep dependence on Him and ready to do His will. I could sure use a resurgence of hope.

I know there will always be a fear in me that another cancer will appear. That’s the way they usually play their dirty game. We will be vigilant to keep our eye out but just like mine proved, melanoma doesn’t have to be dark and ugly. So I don’t want to freak out every time a pink spot appears. I hope God gives me wisdom to know the difference.

I’ll come post after my surgery is over and I wake up.

Surgery Two Tomorrow

I hope I can get some sleep tonight. I have a 6:00 check in time and that’s way too early. That’s before the rooster crows, isn’t it?

I’ve kinda been in a somber mood today. There wasn’t much that motivated me. I did what absolutely had to be done and that’s it.

I have to find something to wear tomorrow that’s easy to get over my head. Surely to goodness I won’t have my head wrapped in gauze this time.

The wind sounds bone chilling and when I get cold all the way to my bones, there’s hardly anything that can warm me. Beautiful sun shining spring, please come back!! I have Easter goodies to buy.

I’m not sure if my nerves are just now starting to grow back together where they have been cut but several times in the last two days I’ve experienced pain in my incision. I bet that’s what it is or either its pulling because its healing. I can’t hardly complain much.

I have another surgery again tomorrow. Then we start the healing process over from the beginning. I’ll be a pro at it this time. I have decided I’m going to tell him to take as much as he needs to take. I don’t want to do this again. They are so sparingly because its your face. If it were your arm or leg, they would take huge margins because its such dangerous stuff. Well, I want to make sure it’s gone. If one little bit were left in there to grow, it could kill me.

I’m not afraid to die but I think God has some more planned for me to do. Thank you if you are praying for me. Words can’t express my appreciation.

Two More Days

Two more days and I get cut on again. I’m a little nervous. Of course it doesn’t have anything to do with cancer except for that fact they will test what he cuts out to make sure it doesn’t have any cancer in it. But it won’t, I’m sure.

I’m a little more concerned wether it will make my eye pull down when he takes out another quarter of a inch. It’s pretty tight as it is right now. I would hope if it did, insurance would let him fix it. We certainly pay enough for that coverage.

I’ve been noticing that the scar is getting darker which in turn makes me want to cover it up. I just don’t want it to be the main focus on my face.

After Tuesday we will start all over again anyway. But after Tuesday maybe I can see the finish line in sight. I sure hope so. That would be horrible if another one decides to show up. Let’s hope and pray it was a one time deal for me. It’s just human nature to worry. Right?

I put my full trust in The Lord and know without a doubt that he is doing a good work in me.

Root Canal 911

I need to get caught up on this roller-coaster ride before I’m so behind I forget.

Last week was a fairly good week. Knowing spring was on it’s way always brightens my spirits, doesn’t it yours? I truly think that is why God created seasons. It gives us hope of a change that’s coming. I usually welcome them all. When they show up I’m usually ready for the next one within a few days…..lol. Except maybe spring or fall. I don’t know which one is my favorite.

All week I noticed that my right arm had started hurting. Weird sort of, but not totally surprised. I have had bursitis in that arm before so I thought maybe that was it. I also thought maybe my cholesterol medicine, Crestor may have turned on my body like the Vytorin had done after taking it for two years. What it does, it attacks your muscles and joints and makes you feel like your about 90 years old. So I thought, Oh no not again. My arm was in extreme pain, would go numb, tingle, it felt like it weighed twenty pounds…..it was doing some strange things. Don’t worry, I knew it wasn’t my heart. Then yesterday morning I got some bumps. Turns out I had the shingles. I have been under a lot of stress and on a lot of antibiotics. The pharmacist says that you can get them if your immune system has been compromised. Since I don’t make a lot of white blood cells, I figured my body had been fighting pretty hard. I think I have already went through the hardest part. Either that or I am so use to being in pain that I just think they are almost gone. I got the valtex filled but I didn’t start taking it. I just didn’t want to take another pill right now. I’m sick of pills. It’s basically just the hurting and heaviness left.

The first day of spring and the sun was shining. Gary and I went to the dermatologist for a quick check of a few spots. When I say quick, I mean quick! I think we shared a fifteen minute appointment so you can see why I say quick. She froze the spot on my back and said it was some name I can’t remember, I know, I’m sorry. I’m not good with technical names. Anyways and said that it was probably precancerous.  Gary is going back tomorrow to have a spot removed off of his face. I’m not sure he wants to be a part of my blog…ha ha. He actually doesn’t even know I’m writing this blog. He for some reason thinks we should always live everything in private, that no one should know our business. I’m going with him but I think I’ll set out in the waiting room.

So as the story goes, today the second day of spring, I had a 3:45 appointment to get a small filling filled. Remember, I have had two molars extracted to get ready for the indestructible implants? Yeah, they don’t know me when they say indestructible. Apparently I am pretty hard on teeth….lol. I have a lot of money invested in this mouth. So it’s spring break and lots of kids having dentists appointments so the 3:45 Thursday was as quick as I could get in. When she pulled the first tooth it revealed some decay close to the gum and there was a old filling in there but it wasn’t one of those monster fillings that a lot of my generation got back in our childhood. Those are the two I’m finally replacing with implants. Anyways, I get there for my appointment and she gets me good and numb. It takes so much to get me numb and it wasn’t anything different this time. She took the ole filling out and there sat the big ole nerve so guess what? My poor sweet dentist had to do a root canal on me. I panicked at first when she said it had to have a root canal because I had a dentist one time fill a tooth with a nerve exposed and when the numb wore off I thought I was going to die. That’s when I changed to my dentist I have now and I must say she earned her money today. She said, “there’s no way I’m sending you home without a root canal. Both her and Melinda worked almost until 6:00 to do the first part of the root canal on me. Thank you so much Dr Stewart for always going the extra mile for me. You and Melinda both are my angels. So today turned out to be, “Root Canal 911”

This coming Tuesday is my next facial surgery. I’m not really nervous about it but I’m anxious for it to be over so I can start the healing process over one more time and then I can begin the final leg of this journey. I mean as far as this particular cancer and scar. I wore a steri strip to the dentist today. It’s getting a little uglier and I can’t put makeup on it so I decided to cover her up today. It makes me feel a little more confident. I’ll have more pictures soon.

As I understand, I’ll have to be looked at every three months for the first year and my first full body check is April first for those of you that have been asking me when. I insisted we get them started now.

I hope your day is blessed and that the weekend to come is filled with blessings too. God is good and I can still feel that he is in total control of this time in my life. I need to share some of the devotionals that I have been reading every day that have been so encouraging to me.

I got my sunscreen

We stopped at the store for a few things and I got my new 100 spf. I didn’t realize there was so many to choose from. I just wanted one that wasn’t greasy and didn’t have a smell. That stuff is not cheap.

I got a little shocker last night when I found a spot on my back that looks very very suspicious. In fact, it’s screaming, get me looked at NOW. I have to admit that this one is a little more frightening to me because it’s bigger. Does bigger mean that it’s been growing longer? Does growing longer mean there’s a bigger chance it went deep? The answer in my mind is yes but I’ll wait and let the doctor see it before I go into a full blown panic. All I can say is it looks just like what was on my face and is sitting there all by its self like it’s should’t be there.

Other than that and me needing to get this cavity filled, I had a pretty good weekend. Gary and I both decided that, yes, we think the scar is getting a little uglier. I don’t say that jokingly. He said it would look it’s worse at two month. It feel like it’s getting darker so that is probably what he meant.

I’m feeling more confident that writing this blog is the right thing to do because I don’t think there’s enough information out there that cancer doesn’t have to look ugly. It can be pretty pink. I mean, trust me, it’s hard. I’m a pretty private person and have a pretty small circle that I share my life with. Now I’m sharing this with the world. Yikes! That’s pretty scary.

I do have a good picture of the new spot but I’ll wait to see if they biopsy it. I’m sure she will. I’ll know Wednesday.

I hope your weekend was blessed and that your week starts off good tomorrow. Saturday was warm and beautiful and then today was cool and gloomy. But that’s Oklahoma for you.

I talked to a Angel today

0074-001A month today. Wow, I don’t know how I feel…..whether it’s gone fast or feels like a eternity. Does that mean I’m senile?

Dr. Jim said it’s going to look it’s worst at two months so I have four more weeks to go until I am extremely ugly. Just kidding. I actually will start the whole thing over again the 26th, then it will be two months from there.

Today started off with tons of anxiety. I had my mammogram scheduled and had totally missed last years so I was extremely nervous at having this one today. Why do we women do that? Don’t miss your checkups ladies, just do them…!! I usually feel pretty confident if I do a good job and make it every year. You at least feel like even if they find cancer, you at least got it early.

I ask to see my films today just for some peace of mind. Like I know what I’m looking at like the radiologist do……lol.  I’ve seen them before but this time was a little more important. I’ve always had the fibrocystic breast disease so to look at my films it looks like there’s cancer everywhere. That’s the reason you need to do it every year and not miss. That way they can see if any of the white masses have grown.

I’ll not be missing any more, that’s for sure. So she tells me that if they don’t call me before tomorrow ends that I can enjoy the weekend knowing that I will get my letter of approval next week. So I pray that they see no changes from 2011

I went today without covering my scar. I had actually debated myself this morning about covering it up. I know it’s only twelve days before I get cut again but I figure I have to start getting use to being comfortable in my new skin. I wish I could actually put makeup on it. I think that would help a little but for right now I can’t.

Okay, so as the story goes, some of you have read this on facebook already. As I was walking with my head tilted down, feeling very anxious of the fact that I had missed my checkup last year and with the melanoma it just seemed to make me extra nervous about this one. Plus I was still anxious about this big ole diagonal slash across my face. I sort of felt like I was just “bad luck” walking around looking for a place to happen. I didn’t want anyone looking at me. :-/

I looked up and there stood the sweetest little Angel lady and she spoke to me so I had to raise my face to respond. She said in the sweetest voice, “You are so beautiful.” The tears just started streaming down my face and over the ugly scar on my cheek. All I could tell her was thank you. If she only knew how much her words meant to me. If she only knew………I had to gather my composure………I wonder now if she was put there in my path so God could use her to show me that people do indeed look into your eyes and into your heart, that they look past the wounds you carry.

All I know for certain is that precious woman changed my life. I’ll look at people differently from now on. Just a few simple encouraging words might just be what a person needs to continue their healing……..

Thank you God that you allowed our paths to cross today.

Sunday Shutdown

 

Yesterday, Sunday the 10th I spent most of the day sleeping. You never know when something like that is going to happen but honestly I think I had just been putting a band-aide on things for a while now. I guess it finally caught up with me. One of my dear friends said, “Well, let’s see……you have had surgery, you have had to get corporate taxes out, you had your stitches removed, you have had two teeth pulled and one emergency visit back to the dentist, you have had statements to get out, you had a family member have a serious surgery, you have had a funeral to attend, you had one son elope to marry his sweetheart and you had a very important wedding to attend. All this in less than three weeks and you question why your body shut its self down Sunday.

It does sort of sound like a lot when you put it down on paper….ha ha. When I got up Sunday morning I was having my diet coke which is like my coffee waiting for it to kick in but it never did. I don’t even remember a lot of the day. I’m pretty sure I stumbled through fixing him some dinner at one point and then snuggled back down in my recliner with my soft blanket. I did set my alarm on my phone at one point for 6:00 pm just in case I wouldn’t wake up and I needed to get Gary’s lunch stuff ready. I remember the alarm going off and I think I set it again for 7:00, 7:15 and 7:30…….lol. Then of course slept until I got him off to work at midnight and then slept all night until 8:00. Mind you, all that sleeping was not drug induced at all. I guess that’s just what you call a major shutdown. Good thing I was able to get Gary off to work. He wouldn’t have known what to do without me…… ha ha

 

Friday the 8th

I had an appointment with the surgeon today, Friday the 8th. I was feeling a little more confident with my scar and I think I even left the house without covering it up. Yes, I did and I think it’s on the entry I made for Day 22.

We scheduled the next surgery for a couple weeks out and I’m going to do it at Baptist again. It won’t be nothing as extensive as the first surgery but I was a little shocked when he drew on my face where he would be cutting. I have to say it was a little more than I thought it was going to be. He had told me after this whole ordeal was all said and done that he could make the other side of my face match this one if I wanted him too. Of course that would be out of our pocket. I guess insurance doesn’t reconstruct two sides of your face like they will reconstruct both breasts to match.

So I’m bringing this all up because in the beginning I thought I might not need anything done to the other side as it looks today, but after he showed me how much more he was going to have to remove, I may just have to. I guess we will wait and see…..

Wait and see……..I’ll start the healing process over at that point and then wait some more…!!!

I still know that I’m blessed beyond measure and that I’m healing good and that it COULD be so much worse. Believe me, I know that!!! I’m not in any way shape or form ungrateful for the mercies I have received so far. I thank my precious Lord and Savior everyday for walking through this journey with me. I am so thankful to Him even though I am so unworthy…….

 

22 Days

I have some pretty good pictures to show you if I can find the right time. Every time I turn on the computer these sleepy bugs just crawl in my brain and I can hardly hold my eyes open. What’s up with that?? ha ha

I saw the surgeon today and my next surgery is scheduled but I can’t remember when. I think I just need a short little nap. THEN maybe I can remember……

Lets give that a try…..Zzzzzzz

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Eighteen days out

I haven’t looked underneath my bandage since I redressed it Tuesday night. I know it hasn’t changed and I’ve quite frankly been too busy have time to think about me. I was really disappointed when I looked last week so I’ve been putting off looking at it again.

Wednesday night my body shut down and took over. Have you ever had that happen? My mind even shut down. My body wasn’t moving another inch. My mind refused to think another thought and my spirit felt dark. I collapsed and two hours later woke up and felt a little better.

I’m hoping tomorrow I can get back on track. i want to focus on surrounding myself with only positive encouraging people and try and figure out what the plan is.

I see the surgeon again Friday. He’s going to ask me when I want to proceed with the next step, cutting a little more. I don’t think I’m ready but by Friday who knows what I’ll feel.

I know when I proceed, it sets me back to the beginning as far as starting the healing process all over again but it also gets me a little closer to the finish line. I know I should count my blessings that it COULD have been worse but I’m so weary right now. Ok, that’s all the complaining I’m going to do. I’m so lucky and blessed.

What would you do if you knew there were a few people that was glad your face is messed up and secretly hopes you turn out ugly?