A month of healing

I was able to see Dr Julie and Dr Jim this last Thursday and both were very pleased at how my scar looked. Don’t you imagine they see some pretty ugly ones? Dr. Jim could tell I had been doing my part. You know? I also believe with all my heart that this last few months I have found favor in Gods eyes. I feel so unworthy of any favor but I humbly accept it. Thank you God for this journey I’ve been on. If we can ever just learn to trust Him……even in the bad times.

I’ve been very faithful to put on the prosil and even ordered a second tube. I’m still not exactly sure what its doing but it must be doing something. Maybe I’ll post a recent picture so you can be the judge.

He did remind me that the scar would look its worse at two months so I have four more weeks to reach the two month mark. I’m not going to like that.

Some days my attitude is better than others. I finally was able to find a new primary care doctor and I love her. You don’t know how difficult that was going through this cancer ordeal and not having a primary care Dr. I could call on. I think I’m going to love her.

I’m trying to get back to normal and get into the grove of my life. I’ve done about three photo shoots and have a couple more coming up. That’s not my full time job but I enjoy so much the creative part of it. I wish I could do it full time. But I’m thinking it would never work. I put WAY too much of myself into my pictures. That’s why I can really only take on my regulars. I don’t have the time to add many more clients.

You all you have prayed for me and who continue to pray for me, I can never repay you and will forever be indebted to you for your love and support.

I have to get to work. I just wanted to stop and say hi. These next few weeks are going to be pretty boring. Maybe I’ll do a series of pictures like a time warp.

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So Remind Me

I can’t hardly stand to go back and look at old pictures. It was really making me sad. I can’t believe I’m having that reaction. I thought I was made of a little tougher material. I find myself not even wanting the old pictures up anymore because that’s not me now. But it was me then so I hope I get over wanting to do that.

I have to keep reminding myself what the alternative would have been. Like the surgeon said, What’s the use of being pretty if you’re laying in a casket.

I have to keep reminding myself how close we cut it and how lucky I was that I had it checked when I did. We got it just in the nick of time. Thank you Jesus.

I have to keep reminding myself that there are so many people out there fighting way bigger battles and at least I’m alive.

I have to keep reminding my self that God must surely have a purpose in allowing this in my life and that I can glorify His name through it all.

I have to keep reminding myself that this ugly scar does not define me. It does not control me. It does not represent who I am.

I have to keep reminding myself that if I’m patient, time will make it look better and my Dr. can make it look better.

It just makes me sad to see old pictures. I can’t stand to pass a mirror. Some times I forget it’s there and then I get a rude¬†awakening.

I’m just human ūüė¶ and I’m a lady

 

Tax Day

Wow! I think my body is still¬†battling¬†a bug. I’m still not myself in the early mornings¬†fore sure. Tomorrow is the second half of my root canal so I’m hoping that goes well. I should have never thought I could go through major dental work and facial surgery at the same time. I don’t know what got into me. I must have thought I was super woman….ha ha. I’ll soon be making my appointment to get the posts put in for my new¬†indestructible¬†teeth. I’m excited to get all that finished. I just do not know how people manage without all their teeth. I have to absolutely have ALL my teeth.

I started my prosil treatment on my scar. It takes twelve weeks for it to do it’s thing. It says also if your scar stops responding to it then it’s done all it’s going to do. I’m not sure what that means but I’m going to ask.

I think I will for sure be doing a laser treatment. When we started this process, Dr. Lowe said we could do the C02 laser but the nurse said the other day he would use the pixel laser. I hope he uses what ever laser I want. It’s my face, right? I’ve tried to do some research on both of them to see which one would be best for me. He will have to laser my whole face and not just my scar.

The skin under my eye is stretched just about as far as it can be stretched. I’m hoping some of the skin under the scar gives a little, so there won’t be so much tension on that thin tender skin right under my eye.

After the laser which I cant do for about six to eight months, If i’m not happy with that, I’m going to have the other side of my face pulled tight so it will match the other side. Yep! I am……it’s called a mini face lift. I don’t want to look fake but I am going to try my best to build my¬†confidence¬†back up. I definitely don’t like walking into a place and have everyone look at me. That’s not a good feeling at all. I hate it.

I did get my income tax returns post marked today. Did you? Oh I bet most of you get loads of money back so you get them in early. We don’t…..ha ha

Below is a picture I took today. Twenty days since my last surgery. I have the prosil on the scar. I wish it was a little more matte and not shiny. But hey, got to give it a try.

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Highs and Lows

Wow! I have been dealing with some up and downs that came out of no where. I thought I was doing really good with the new me. After all there’s not much I can do to change it.

I am still so appreciative of a second chance at life. I’m also grateful that we got it in the earlier stages. None of those things will ever be forgotten in my heart.

What I’m experiencing right now is the feelings of seeing ugly every time I have to look in the mirror.

I know these things are so trivial to you but they are deep to me.

Every day that more and more swelling goes out, the looks of the incision change. For a couple of days just out if no where it got real dark and it seemed like I was going to have a permanent dark shadow right below my eye.

I saw the surgeon last week. He said just as soon as the scabs are gone I can start the prosil. I’m not exactly sure what the stuff does but he said something about it actually changing the protons in my skin. It’s a irritant so that’s why the scabs have to be gone. It’s a silicone shield that holds in moisture and lets it get oxygen. Supposedly a perfect environment for a scar. Twelve weeks of that and then we go from there.

I think I’m just making adjustments to my attitude.

I think my immune system must be taxed because I feel like I have a bug. I have felt bad all day long. Will the day ever come? Will I ever feel normal again. I just want to have a good day. It seems like its been so long.

Staging of melanoma

In the 2010 AJCC staging of melanoma, which of the following feature replaces Clark’s level as a primary criterion for defining T1b in thin melanomas? Thin melanoma is <1mm in thickness with 95% 5 year survival. Increasing primary tumor mitotic rates, expressed per square millimeter, were found to be associated with declining survival rates, particularly in thin melanomas, as reflected in the most recent AJCC staging scheme.

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Breslow used a lot more now. Clark levels really only useful if you’re dealing with a thin melanoma (if it’s Clark 4 or 5, then it’s still a bad prognosis).

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Beautiful Scar

zzxxccvv-2OMG, is this not the best looking ten day old scar you have ever seen? Can you imagine what it’s going to look like after we’re done with it and God’s done with it? I’m excited..!! Can you tell? Dr. Jim Lowe, you hit it out of the ballpark this time. Wait until it starts to fade. Holy Moly, as Henry would say, this is awesome…!! Thank you Dear Jesus, the great surgeon of them all. Thank you for giving me another chance at this.

Fathom of the opera

Sitting in this chair leaning on a heating pad. I woke up with my back pinched or out of whack!!

I need a miracle because I have a photo shoot tomorrow. Back please don’t fail me now…!! I need you :-/

While sitting here hurrying up waiting, I was thinking what I needed was a Zoro mask. Then I got to thinking, “No dummy, not a Zoro mask, you need a phantom of the opera mask!!!! I’ve never seen that musical. Maybe it’s time I do.

I DO NEED to be able to walk upright by early afternoon tomorrow. Please pray. These are college graduation pictures. I need to nail them ūüôā

Stitches are coming out.

zz558885_10200871905548243_580987408_nThe morning right before Dr. Lowe took out the stitches. I didn’t really know he was going to take them out just a few days after my surgery so I didn’t take my photographer with me…..(ha ha) It¬†definitely¬†was going to be a new one. I fired the first one, remember?

I haven’t seen what it looks like without the stitches yet. I’m sure it will look better than the first one. For some reason this one looks straighter and a little bit shorter than the first one. I’m sure it is straighter but I’m not sure it could be shorter. Can you wait to see it without the black threads? Okay, I’ll take a new picture ūüôā Are you sick of my pictures yet?

He told me I would like it better. That’s sounds crazy, doesn’t it? How could I like any ugly thing like that? It’s not likable in my mind. But it saved my life so I’ll embrace it. What other choice do you have?

 

Feeling bad

I don’t feel good. I slept 12 1/2 hours last night. I wonder what’s up with that? I worked in the office 9 hours yesterday and didn’t get finished. It wasn’t because I felt good, it was because I had to. I’m ready to see the finish line, what ever the heck it is.

I’m going to take my bandage off tonight or in the morning. That will probably get me good and upset. It always shocks me in the beginning and takes me a day to get use to looking at it. I bet this time it looks way better than the first. But I don’t want to set myself up to be disappointed.

I’m hungry

I’m setting here waiting to go in for my appointment and for some reason I cried all the way up here. I don’t know why I’m so emotional and I’m certainly not walking in until I can get control of myself. I was emotional yesterday too.

I’m not scared. I just know they won’t find anything. I’m not upset about my scar and am actually going to walk in with it uncovered. It’s a beautiful scar, if scars can posses beauty. So that’s not upsetting me.

I was nauseous all morning and had my usual crackers just to keep something on my stomach. Actually ate crackers all the way up here. Taking pills on a empty stomach isn’t good. I still can’t eat. That root canal still must have infection in it. I’m supposed to see the dentist tomorrow.

I’m still on a strong antibiotic from my surgery. You would think that would take care of any infection in the tooth. I’m wondering if its resistant to the antibiotic and that’s exactly what my crazy little damaged heart can’t take.

I wonder if I’m worrying about that? I think when I leave here, I’ll put a call into my heart doctor and ask him. Maybe I’m just tired of it all. Growing weary can make people emotional. Or satan can try and upset me.

Get behind me satan. You don’t own me or control me. I’m a daughter of the King of Kings. My life has already been paid for…!!

Don’t you hate it when you don’t know why your crying? Even though I have the greatest sisters and mom in the world, the most awesome kids and grand babies, just a enormous support system, you STILL sort of feel alone. I wonder why?