I have decided to start a new blog. Hopefully cancer is done with me and I can move on to some new exciting times in my life where I’m desiring to feel better and I’m going to make that happen. Mind over matter. I’m determined to be the old Vickie and rid my life of all the toxic people. i will never forget what the last two years taught me. It made me tough as nails and I have decided that I deserve to be happy. I’m still trying to think of a new name for my new blog. I want to somehow glorify God through it also. I’ll let you know the name so you can look it up or look for a invitation from me.
Thank you for encouraging me through all the surgeries. You will never understand how much that helped me.
I don’t even know why I’m still writing in this blog other than to say it helps me to get things out and it’s therapeutic for me. I’m not after a book deal, just a way to vent.
I do have my full cancer check this week. Man does three months fly by or what? I put that into the hands of my Heavenly Father because I’ve learned that most every spot that scares me is not cancer.
I see myself in pictures now and see what the cancer did to me and I cry. Yes I know the big scar looks pretty good but I have two different eyes and obviously look like someone rebuilt one side of my face underneath and then we tried to make the other side match it. I can’t go back to the pre cancer Vickie and I need to release that burden also.
How does a person get any sleep nowadays? I have tried to not ask for any help from the Dr. because when did a good ole Benedryl never work? NOW. I feel like a Alein most times because so much of things work the opposite on me.
I think I’m just wrestling with my spirit, worrying about things that probably don’t need my worrying. I’ve got to stop that. Since when did my Heavenly Father not take care of me?
Church was good yesterday. I wish I hadn’t of missed last week. The message I got was how much God really loves us and how we should love ourself too. He also talked about forgiving and how we needed to forgive ourself. Sometimes I think we don’t even know we haven’t forgiven ourself. I know I am very very hard on myself and picking out every failure in my life and not letting it go.
I’m feeling small improvements in my strength. I will never take vitamin D for granted. My upper body should look like a body builder having to do most of the work getting my body off the furniture and standing but without D you can’t build muscles so my poor arms just feel bruised. It’s so hard to get up that once I’m up, I try to stay up as long as possible.
I’m praying no surgery is needed on my ankle or my knee. I don’t think I’m mentally ready to be confined some more. I’m ready to be set free to run and get busy and get this weight off. I know Gods grace is sufficient for me to handle any situation but I’m just scared to death. A surgery would mean no going upstairs and my office is upstairs. I guess we would have to set up my office on the coffee table. I’m just not looking forward to that possibility. Some days I get sick to my stomach worrying about it. How’s that going to help? I’m not sure my muscle less body could walk on crutches. It’s just better all together to have no surgery. I’m too old.
Please Dear God bring the old Vickie back. I’m ready to start taking pictures again. My photography was such a huge part of me and then it was taken away. I want it back. I’m good and I want to continue to polish my skills. How’s that to end this blog entry? A little self confidence? lol
Blessings to you from a struggling Grannie. 💜💚💛❤️💙
I feel like my leg muscles are getting worse. It’s taking every ounce of energy in my arms to get myself standing and my legs are excruciatingly painful when I try to use them to get up. It just doesn’t seem like a common vitamin D defiency. I am not very trusting of doctors points of view now days.
I’ve been searching for things I can eat that contain D. Man there’s hardly anything. I did get some whole milk and a bottle of Hershey chocolate to make it drinkable. I’ll take the cod liver oil when I find it. I sat out yesterday in the morning sun to try and get some D. I hope Dr Julie approves of that.
My mental health is declining. I put on a fake smile but my joy is gone. I cried out to God this morning when I was struggling to stand, “How can I Glorify You more through this struggle?” What other purpose do we have infirmities but to Glorify God through them? I want to give God all the glory when I am healed. I give Him Glory now.
I just write this because it’s my true heart. My life has been a battle since the melanoma in 2013. I’m growing weary. I know it’s hard for you to understand unless you have been there. Losing most of your physical ability to raise your body up is very scary. Losing the muscle control is enough to bear but to have them be painful is unbearable.
I’m already ready for this boot to be off. I think my bone is healing good. A bump is there where it’s crooked but at this point I don’t care. I pray no more bones break.
I’m sorry to write about such downer things but it’s my reality. I want the old Vickie back. I pray God allows her to come back soon. I pray God heals me soon so I can walk and get control of my life and my home. I’m so discouraged.
Dear Heavenly Father, healer of all, Creator of the Universe, please heal this broken messed up body. I give you all the Glory for everything. Thank You for allowing me to be able to walk. I’ll never take that for granted no matter how painful it is. Thank You for making me stronger and better through these battles. May others see Your reflection in my face. In our precious Jesus name. Amen.