Rest Alludes Me 

I don’t even know why I’m still writing in this blog other than to say it helps me to get things out and it’s therapeutic for me. I’m not after a book deal, just a way to vent. 

I do have my full cancer check this week. Man does three months fly by or what? I put that into the hands of my Heavenly Father because I’ve learned that most every spot that scares me is not cancer. 

I see myself in pictures now and see what the cancer did to me and I cry. Yes I know the big scar looks pretty good but I have two different eyes and obviously look like someone rebuilt one side of my face underneath and then we tried to make the other side match it. I can’t go back to the pre cancer Vickie and I need to release that burden also. 

How does a person get any sleep nowadays? I have tried to not ask for any help from the Dr. because when did a good ole Benedryl never work? NOW. I feel like a Alein most times because so much of things work the opposite on me. 
I think I’m just wrestling with my spirit, worrying about things that probably don’t need my worrying. I’ve got to stop that. Since when did my Heavenly Father not take care of me? 

Church was good yesterday. I wish I hadn’t of missed last week. The message I got was how much God really loves us and how we should love ourself too. He also talked about forgiving and how we needed to forgive ourself. Sometimes I think we don’t even know we haven’t forgiven ourself. I know I am very very hard on myself and picking out every failure in my life and not letting it go. 

I’m feeling small improvements in my strength. I will never take vitamin D for granted. My upper body should look like a body builder having to do most of the work getting my body off the furniture and standing but without D you can’t build muscles so my poor arms just feel bruised. It’s so hard to get up that once I’m up, I try to stay up as long as possible. 

I’m praying no surgery is needed on my ankle or my knee. I don’t think I’m mentally ready to be confined some more. I’m ready to be set free to run and get busy and get this weight off. I know Gods grace is sufficient for me to handle any situation but I’m just scared to death. A surgery would mean no going upstairs and my office is upstairs. I guess we would have to set up my office on the coffee table. I’m just not looking forward to that possibility. Some days I get sick to my stomach worrying about it. How’s that going to help? I’m not sure my muscle less body could walk on crutches. It’s just better all together to have no surgery. I’m too old. 

Please Dear God bring the old Vickie back. I’m ready to start taking pictures again. My photography was such a huge part of me and then it was taken away. I want it back. I’m good and I want to continue to polish my skills. How’s that to end this blog entry? A little self confidence? lol

Blessings to you from a struggling Grannie. 💜💚💛❤️💙

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