Just Let Me Weep

I got up this morning bound and determined to get clean bandages on my incision. Dr. Lowe had glued them down but they were kind of icky and part’s with dried blood and frankly, besides the fact they were pulling some tender skin underneath my eye, I wanted to see what the incision looked like. I had no idea except that it was going to be pretty wide and I could tell it slanted down diagonally down the right side of my face. Gary had seen it when Dr. Lowe had changed the bandage but when I ask him later what it looked like he wouldn’t give me a definitive answer.

When he left for work I told him I had pulled about four of the strips off and he told me I had better leave them alone and keep it covered up. It still didn’t dawn on me why he was being so persistent about me not putting on clean steri-strips but later that morning when I got them all off, I realized why. It was his way of protecting me. I couldn’t have left them on forever but I think he dreaded me having to see what I looked like.

Now remember, I had made the choice days earlier to save my life over what my face would look like. Who wouldn’t? No one would choose to leave cancer growing on their face just because they didn’t want to be disfigured. I didn’t think I would be disfigured but I think there’s always a fear of what your going to turn out to look like. I was more worried about not looking like “Vickie” than I was worried about looking ugly. And throughout this whole journey I just kept reminding myself that there are so many people suffering way bigger battles than I and that no matter what I could handle this.

As I began to pull the brown strips off that had covered the wound very well, it began to reveal a shocking slash across my face. I don’t know any other way to describe it other than it looked like I had been in a horror movie, except this wasn’t a movie. It was real life and it was my life.

Of course my first thoughts are, Oh my gosh, what are the kids going to think? What about the grand babies? Would I scare them to death when they saw me for the first time? I took a picture and sent it to the kids. I played it down so they didn’t know how disappointed I was that it looked so horrible. Mom’s do things like that so as not to worry her children. Hopefully I can keep it covered when the grandbabies come over. That would destroy me if I thought I scared them.

It definitely was NOT one of those beautiful incisions that you come to expect from a plastic surgeon. There wasn’t anything about it that identified to me that a plastic surgeon had made those stitches. I mean I was sort of prepared for that because he told us it had to be a strong incision because of the pressure where it was located but I thought for-sure it would be strait and not jagged looking. No, not a chance, we were going for the full slasher movie affect But hey, I’m alive, right?

You don’t have to keep reminding me that I’m alive and to be thankful that the cancer is gone. Surely you don’t think I would wish it to come back.

Just let me mourn for just a little bit. Let me cry when I pass the mirror and see the ugly face. I have to go through that process and you have to let me.

Don’t try to diminish the fact by telling me how good it will look in no time. “No time” isn’t right now…!

Just give me some time to get use to this face I have now. I know by the end of the year I’ll look back and see improvements but that’s along time away.

It’s my face. I can’t have it removed and hide that fact under clothing.

Just let me weep right now and give me time……..

Just be there and let me cry…….