But wow! I was shocked at how much I had shared. I hadn’t even been here in years. I didn’t remember writing so much. Now I’m having reservations about deleting it. I think I’m going to go back and read everything and then decide. I’m guessing it was therapeutic to more then anything. So much has happened since I last wrote. I wonder if I could go back and try to remember everything……lol I’m old now 😦
I have decided to start a new blog. Hopefully cancer is done with me and I can move on to some new exciting times in my life where I’m desiring to feel better and I’m going to make that happen. Mind over matter. I’m determined to be the old Vickie and rid my life of all the toxic people. i will never forget what the last two years taught me. It made me tough as nails and I have decided that I deserve to be happy. I’m still trying to think of a new name for my new blog. I want to somehow glorify God through it also. I’ll let you know the name so you can look it up or look for a invitation from me.
Thank you for encouraging me through all the surgeries. You will never understand how much that helped me.
Vickie
I don’t even know why I’m still writing in this blog other than to say it helps me to get things out and it’s therapeutic for me. I’m not after a book deal, just a way to vent.
I do have my full cancer check this week. Man does three months fly by or what? I put that into the hands of my Heavenly Father because I’ve learned that most every spot that scares me is not cancer.
I see myself in pictures now and see what the cancer did to me and I cry. Yes I know the big scar looks pretty good but I have two different eyes and obviously look like someone rebuilt one side of my face underneath and then we tried to make the other side match it. I can’t go back to the pre cancer Vickie and I need to release that burden also.
How does a person get any sleep nowadays? I have tried to not ask for any help from the Dr. because when did a good ole Benedryl never work? NOW. I feel like a Alein most times because so much of things work the opposite on me.
I think I’m just wrestling with my spirit, worrying about things that probably don’t need my worrying. I’ve got to stop that. Since when did my Heavenly Father not take care of me?
Church was good yesterday. I wish I hadn’t of missed last week. The message I got was how much God really loves us and how we should love ourself too. He also talked about forgiving and how we needed to forgive ourself. Sometimes I think we don’t even know we haven’t forgiven ourself. I know I am very very hard on myself and picking out every failure in my life and not letting it go.
I’m feeling small improvements in my strength. I will never take vitamin D for granted. My upper body should look like a body builder having to do most of the work getting my body off the furniture and standing but without D you can’t build muscles so my poor arms just feel bruised. It’s so hard to get up that once I’m up, I try to stay up as long as possible.
I’m praying no surgery is needed on my ankle or my knee. I don’t think I’m mentally ready to be confined some more. I’m ready to be set free to run and get busy and get this weight off. I know Gods grace is sufficient for me to handle any situation but I’m just scared to death. A surgery would mean no going upstairs and my office is upstairs. I guess we would have to set up my office on the coffee table. I’m just not looking forward to that possibility. Some days I get sick to my stomach worrying about it. How’s that going to help? I’m not sure my muscle less body could walk on crutches. It’s just better all together to have no surgery. I’m too old.
Please Dear God bring the old Vickie back. I’m ready to start taking pictures again. My photography was such a huge part of me and then it was taken away. I want it back. I’m good and I want to continue to polish my skills. How’s that to end this blog entry? A little self confidence? lol
Blessings to you from a struggling Grannie. 💜💚💛❤️💙
I feel like my leg muscles are getting worse. It’s taking every ounce of energy in my arms to get myself standing and my legs are excruciatingly painful when I try to use them to get up. It just doesn’t seem like a common vitamin D defiency. I am not very trusting of doctors points of view now days.
I’ve been searching for things I can eat that contain D. Man there’s hardly anything. I did get some whole milk and a bottle of Hershey chocolate to make it drinkable. I’ll take the cod liver oil when I find it. I sat out yesterday in the morning sun to try and get some D. I hope Dr Julie approves of that.
My mental health is declining. I put on a fake smile but my joy is gone. I cried out to God this morning when I was struggling to stand, “How can I Glorify You more through this struggle?” What other purpose do we have infirmities but to Glorify God through them? I want to give God all the glory when I am healed. I give Him Glory now.
I just write this because it’s my true heart. My life has been a battle since the melanoma in 2013. I’m growing weary. I know it’s hard for you to understand unless you have been there. Losing most of your physical ability to raise your body up is very scary. Losing the muscle control is enough to bear but to have them be painful is unbearable.
I’m already ready for this boot to be off. I think my bone is healing good. A bump is there where it’s crooked but at this point I don’t care. I pray no more bones break.
I’m sorry to write about such downer things but it’s my reality. I want the old Vickie back. I pray God allows her to come back soon. I pray God heals me soon so I can walk and get control of my life and my home. I’m so discouraged.
Dear Heavenly Father, healer of all, Creator of the Universe, please heal this broken messed up body. I give you all the Glory for everything. Thank You for allowing me to be able to walk. I’ll never take that for granted no matter how painful it is. Thank You for making me stronger and better through these battles. May others see Your reflection in my face. In our precious Jesus name. Amen.
whats so important about vitamin D and how could one get profoundly deficient in it? Evidently you can break bones without even knowing it.
I’m going to find out what I can do to help raise it. I have to get my levels up off the floor.
So two weeks ago Annie was here helping me do the things I can’t and we had went to Sams and Walmart and by the end of the night, I looked down and both my feet and ankles looked like elephants feet. They were huge and it hurt to walk on them. What had I done? I don’t think I had hit them or twisted them. I decided if it was a injury that I must have not been conscious when it happened. The right one finally went down but still makes sure to be good and swollen every night. I think I better have the right side checked but it’s two more weeks until my next appointment.
So once again to shorten this chapter of my nightmare,I’ll shorten it by saying it took 17 days, and four doctors to convince them my ankle was broke.
First I went to the Access Clinic because it was on a weekend. I went to the one on Reno and Mustang Road. They took a X-ray and told me nothing was wrong. They wrapped it up and told me to go home and put some ice on it. Second I went to see my PCP and she said it sure looked like it could be gout and she gave me a script for some prednisone. I never took it. Third I went to a foot and ankleDoctor named Rick Trazick and he looked at it and said it just looked swollen. He said, ” go get you some of those compression socks and if it’s still swollen in a month I’ll do a MRI. I started to weep a little and I said, ” I had hoped you could help me, my leg feels broke.” He ask his nurse, did he see me walk in here, did I have a cane, he acted surprised that I used valet parking. I told him it was very painful to walk on it. It was very insulting to me because his questions were expressed as though I was not being truthful. He himilliated me. I guess he thought I wanted pain pills. He said, ” want me to give you some numbing cream?” I thanked him and said no, I had been wrapping lydacaine patches on it then a ace bandage on top. Pain pills never entered my mind. I just needed help. I left his office sobbing. Worst part of it all is I was referred to him by a good friend.
I knew all I needed was a MRI so I called my PCP and told her to order me a MRI late that night because I was going to make my own appointment with a orthopedic doctor and I needed it.
I had to wait two days for my MRI to be read but it finally came in. The proof of why I had been hurting so bad had finally been revealed.
New Years Eve and it was 19 degrees today. I made my way up to the hematologist office for a blood draw. I have one more next Wednesday and I have to say I will be so glad when this is over. It’s nothing serious I don’t think. My body makes very few white blood cells and hasn’t for about 35 years. She thinks I have some kind of autoimmune disease.
I don’t want this post to be about my health although there is a lot going on. A lot of trying to figure out things. My knee joints keep coming out of their sockets if I’m not careful. I can hardly get my body up in the standing position to walk. At first We thought the Crestor has done irreversible damage to my muscles and connective tissue but who knows. I see a RA the last of February so I guess we will find out. I am so sick of feeling this way and I feel in my heart that my family is sick of me too. So without making this entry about what’s going on now, I’ll move on.
I wanted to finalize my journey through cancer but I think it’s going to be a part of my life every three months. Melanoma is sort of tricky, sneaky crazy stuff that can hide in your hair. Let me say, you have to know your own body very well because there is no way your doctor could look over every square inch. I get freaked out when I find a spot that lingers too long. That is the secret to my kind of cancer, which wasn’t pigmented. Remember? It was a pretty pink spot. So actually I might just think it’s a regular bump.
I don’t know where I left off with the surgeries. The first or second fat injection and scar revision? There won’t be a third. The last one I almost bled to death. They had to keep me under sedation two extra hours to try and stop the bleeding. He said that I had a unusually large vein that got cut and wouldn’t stop bleeding.
I came home that night stapled together like Frankenstein and I may just post some pictures so you will believe me. I think (in my opinion) there was a rush to stitch me back up so it turned out ugly. When my primary care doctor saw me for something else she said I needed to go up there stat, that it looked bad. The whole purpose of that surgery was to put the second fat injection in my eye that had a big sunken in place but also as important was to revise the scars so that I could wear my hair up and wear it in a ponytail when I wanted. I don’t even know why i keep it longer because I’d rather it be up. So I not only almost bled to death, I now had uglier scars. What? that was my purpose of spending the money. I thought Plastic Surgeons automatically made beautiful tiny scars that could hardly be seen. Well I didn’t get any pretty ones. I felt like mine all looked like a General Surgeon had sewn me up. Does the big scar on my face look good now? I know some of you will say but oh Vickie it looks so good. You know why it does? Because I spent a lot of money and went through some very painful laser resurfacing procedures. They can’t just laser your scar, they have to burn off your whole face. So yes, my big scar looks good because I paid the money and pain to get it that way.
I also came out of that surgery with two huge patches of my hair shaved off, all the way up higher than my ears. It looked like I had a Mohawk up to about my knowledge bone.The first surgery I had two tiny places shaved so why the excessive removal of my hair this time. I know why but I’m choosing at this time to keep it to my self. So needless to say I have not been able to wear my hair up or in a ponytail which is what the surgery was for in the first place.
The other day, I’m guessing six months later, the shaved hair grew out enough for me to cut the rest of my hair to meet it. My hair is pretty short but I figure it should grow pretty fast. It usually does.
so I started the vitamins April 28th. I think I started the B earlier but the D was on the 28th. It feels like I’ve been on it for eight weeks but I guess I haven’t. I’m so anxious to to see some improvements that I can taste them. To have the freedom to get down into the floor with my grandchildren or play in the sandbox without any pain would be the biggest blessing. I take playing with my grandbabies very serious. I want to be at their level.
If I could just see a tiny bit of improvement it would give me hope. I need that smidgen of hope to keep going. You just don’t know how bad. Just a tiny bit of hope to feed this hungry heart💙
It seems like a eternity since this all started but it’s only been since Jan of 2013. I thought after I beat the cancer that my life would get back to normal. That wasn’t to be. It all started about a year and a half ago that I lost most of the use of my legs. If I can get up I can walk but getting up is so painful it makes me literally cry. When others are here I try to hide it but when I’m alone I cry out. I can no longer get out of my bathtub or get in the floor to do photography. My muscle strength is gone. I told every doctor I had about it but no one had any answers or seemed to want to help me figure it out. I felt something behind my left knee and did my own research on that. There’s a thing called Bakers Cyst that can fill with fluid and right now I think mine is about to bust. It’s been diagnosed that it’s there but no one has addressed it. The pain in my knees is unbearable.
John questioned why I had the muscle issue and ask Dr Beason to take a look at me. He is a neurologist and specializes in neuromuscular diseases. To make this long nightmare short, Dr Beason first did seven viles of blood test. When he found that a was major deficient in B-12 and D he stopped and turned me back over to my primary care physician Dr Wood. I take 50,000mcg of vitamin D every week and 2500 oh B-12 every day. How long will it take to build up in my system and WILL it work?
where are you God? I thought by now you’d come down and heal me. I put on a pretend face so that no one knows how much I’m hurting. How long will it take?
Hi everyone!! School is almost out and the hot summer is on it’s way. Don’t forget your sunscreen or you’ll end up like me. It’s been a while since I have posted one here. I’ve been doing my every three month full body cancer checks and I think I have a done a couple of the laser resurfacing. It has really worked pretty good. I don’t understand hoe it does it but that big ugly scar is pretty flat now.
I’m trying to decide if I should I post some of the pictures that I took through most of the surgeries and procedures? I know I didn’t show a lot while it was happening real time. Will it help anyone or would it just be entertainment for most. Okay, I admit it, I would love to see them if they were yours……..ha ha. The last surgery where Dr. Lowe tried to make both sides of my face match and also did the fat injections was pretty brutal. He wasn’t happy at the amount of bruising that I had and it definitely looked horrible in the pictures. I’m over the shock of them so I thought maybe I would share them now. I’m getting ready to have the second fat injection next month and I’ll be glad when it’s over. You usually have to have three. There’s a place under my left eye that needs a lot where it’s sunk in and underneath the big scar brings that cheek up to the same level as the other one. And of course If I’m going to go through all the trouble of harvesting the fat, why not have a little put into my lips so I can have lips like my mom instead of my Daddy? I’m going to……… I may come back and add some more to this post later. I need my mind refreshed on how it all works. It’s something to do with our body only keeps 40% of the fat that’s injected. That’s why you have to do it more than once.
I guess I’ll see if anyone is interested. 🙂
Are you on drugs? Yes as a matter of fact, I am. The last four years I’VE HAD TO TAKE DRUGS
BUT I haven’t told any one my New Years resolution for 2014. I’m staying out of doctors office for a year. I’m not taking any of their drugs or doing any of their tests. I decided this weeks ago.
They haven’t done anything for me for four years so I give up. So the next time I’m ask, are you on drugs? I’ll say well no I’m sure not and my heart is doing just fine.
Look. This is the side my big four inch slash is. I never dreamed it could look this way again with a little makeup. I can hide it pretty good.
I think my next blog I’m getting ready to write will be the last one. I’m so grateful to be doing so good and I wouldn’t trade for a million dollars that the cancer is staying away. It’s public, maybe it’s a good time to end it on a good note. Maybe I could get Dr. Jim or Dr. Julie to write a paragraph to end my blog. That might be fitting. Needless to say, I’m going to at least write one more and let you see pictures of the awesome work Dr. Jim did on me.
Until then……….
Wednesday I go back to get more stitches removed. I’m not positive if he will take them all out that day. I’m getting kind of irritable I think. They are not comfortable but hey, I don’t think they are meant to be. do that. I want the scar on my eyes to be really strait. That’s how I’d do it….ha ha …………but I didn’t decide to be a doctor. 
I think that’s part of my OCD where the corners of my towels have to be perfectly squared and smoothed out perfect is what’s feeding my anxiety. This sewing my face up this time is definitely causing me to act crazy. Will I ever be able to hide scars with the artistry of makeup? I know he did a lot of work underneath the skin and keeping your face symmetric, that is the most important thing I guess. He’s as good as you can get so I need to quit worrying and start trusting.
Gary and I went to Sam’s today. It was either get out in public or starve to death. Most everything we got at Sam’s was not eatable but we did stop at the outlet mall to get a phone case for Gary’s phone so we picked up some jalapeno Auntie Anne’s pretzels so that is actually what we had for dinner……..ha ha. right up my alley with some ice cream for dessert. People did look at me but I didn’t even care. As long as it’s strangers that see me that is okay, but if I saw someone I knew, I’d probably hide.
I’m just thinking out loud. It’s my blog, I can say what I want, right? maybe tomorrow I’ll share a few pictures. Sometimes I’m reluctant because the blog is open to the public and all my haters will enjoy the ugly pictures too.
One week ago today since my surgery. The jury is still out whether I’m glad I did it or not. Right at this moment I’m thinking not. The stitches come out tomorrow and that day can’t come fast enough. They are pulling and making me want to rub them and there’s one on my eye that makes me scream when I touch it. Eye’s are so tender. If I was brave enough, I’d cut them out myself. Some of them don’t even have knots in them. They just have long threads so I could just pull on them and I bet they would come out…………Okay, settle down, I won’t.
I’m trying to pick a gross picture to show you but there are so many I’m having a hard time choosing. I’ll find one or maybe take some time lapsed pictures showing the healing. So I far I just keep looking worse every day, not better. What’s the deal?
So here’s my first entry to my corrective procedure. One of my main goals was to have both my eyes match again and be the same size. Right now they do not. But Dr Jim has assured me it will get better and better every day. I believe him. I just have to be patient. You know me and being patient. This is a good test for me.
I think he used 2000 lb blue marlin test line to sew me back together. I’m hoping and praying it feels better when they are all cut out……
Here’s a picture of my chin, I’ll show you that much……..ha ha
I thought I would post this picture. This is three weeks since I did the second laser. Do you think the scar looks lighter? One more time? I say yes……
I hate that I’m feeling like my blog might be, “follow Vickie on all her medical problems” instead of just healing from this crazy cancer.
I feel like I’m being put to the test and fire and I’m getting a little weary of trying to figure this thing out. I feel like I have had more than my share.
I had my six month check up on my heart and he seemed to think I was doing good enough to go six more months before my next echo and next appointment. Good thing. My blood work was good besides the low white cells which is chronic for some reason no one knows.
He did ask me to schedule another heart scan because it had been four years since my last one. The one I had in 2009 was horrible and with a plaque score of 255 we have been trying to stop the progression of it by me taking the highest dose of Crestor. I’m feeling like It’s just not in my predestined life that I get better. My plaque score had doubled to 458 What do I do now? Dr. Spielman says we may need to get my cholesterol down in the real low range. Of course that means more medication that puts a task on your liver.
I was quite shocked. My blood work had looked like all this time that it was going to work. He was very pleased with my cholesterol numbers for four years now. I guess it wasn’t working after all to stop the progression of plaque.
What do I do now? Anything above 400 is looked at as high risk. If I doubled my score in four years, what is it going to be in four more years?
I don’t know what to think. I’m scheduled now for a nuclear stress test day after tomorrow. I’ve had one of these before. They are interesting to say the least. They put this stuff in your veins that make you feel like you’re having a heart attack. You feel like they are trying to kill you. I’m glad I’ll be at the heart hospital just in case they do……..
Okay, this next Wednesday I’ll do the laser again. I can’t tell if my scar looks better or not. After this one I may change my plan of action. I’m not sure anymore what I want to do. It looks like the laser it’s self would cause cancer since it burns you so bad.
I hope I can be a little more uplifting next time I post. I have had some strange phantom fumes and my new primary thinks it’s migraine related. She wants me to go to a Neurologist. I really wasn’t wanting to do that but I guess they have to rule out some bad stuff. She also wants me to do acupuncture and chiropractory. See what I’m saying? It seems like everything is bulldozing me at once. People, don’t go to the doctor!!!! I was healthier than a horse for fifty two years……. Now look what’s happening.
I’m going to hit send. I started this last week. I need to get it out. I may go back and see if there are any pictures I can post. I should have taken one for this one. I will for sure before the next laser.
Blessings to you and all of yours.
All right then
I’m actually pleased with the progress with the treatment. I don’t know how many more i will need. I wish I could afford to take off twenty layers.
The red is still in the scar. It’s the part that Henry called Roly Polies…..right when it finally almost goes away its time for another treatment so I’m not sure what it looks like. It feels like its more level with the rest of my face so I think that’s what his goal is. He says time will be what lightens the scar the most.
Part of me thinks why in the world am I trying so hard to make this slash across my face look better when I stand a chance it will appear again some other place on me. They tell you to try and not worry so much about it returning but how do you not? I can’t just push it out of my mind and quit worrying. I’m wondering if I would have the strength to fight if it got bad.
I have my six month checkup on my heart this coming Monday. I’m sure everything will check out ok. I pray it does. Since they really don’t know what damaged my heart then it scares me a little that what ever it was could happen again. I don’t think it could take much more damage.
I know I’m worrying a little too much. This is my first heart checkup since the cancer all of a sudden appeared. I’m sure being anxious is normal. I’m trying to put things into perspective. Surely this is a normal feeling. I had a root canal get infected and I have to be careful with endocarditis. I take mega dose of antibiotics before dental procedures. I tried to get through to my Cardiologist to let him know I had a infection and couldn’t get past the nurse. She left me a message and said I needed to call my primary care doctor. Wellllll let me just say that a doctors staff can make or break his practice. I’m going to try my best to not have to see this particular nurse Monday. I just can’t possibly see how I can work with this heart doctor if I do not appreciate his nurse.
Wow, this didn’t turn out to be a very encouraging entry today. I do have some pictures…….promise to get them posted. It just seems like life takes up most of my days and hardly leaves me any extra time.
I promise next entry will be better. I really do feel encouraged that it will eventually look better with time.
My Jesus Calling devotional for July 19 hit it right on the nail….. Maybe I should share it here too.
Thank you so much for your comments. It really does encourage me. It reminds me that I really do have people walking on this journey with me. I couldn’t ask for better support.
Thank you, thank you…….I love and appreciate all of you.
I wen’t to my full body cancer check today. Had a nice encouraging visit with Dr. Julie. She didn’t see anything too alarming but decided to freeze two spots on my face since my face was messed up already anyway….. That smarts pretty good but I’d rather the spots be gone. She also checked my lymph-nodes.
I guess I have four weeks before the next treatment. I’m looking forward to all this being over, if that ever happens?? Patience has never been one of my strengths. It looks like it will be in my life forever.
Thank you Dear God for the check up. I don’t take one day for granted any more. Every day is a blessing. We should live each day as if it were our last. Tell your loved one that you love them every day. It very well could be your last “I love You”
This morning was my second laser treatment. It seemed like it went pretty fast but frankly when it’s hurting that bad, you sort of want it to go fast. This time was more painful.
I put that numbing cream on three times thinking the more the better. I’m not sure that helped any and I think he had the laser turned up because he knows I want to see results. I guess I shouldn’t be so impatient but I’ve been through so much that I’m ready to see something good.
This time when I sat up he said the recovery time on this one would be five to seven days. I’m okay with that and I’ve got to where I don’t put much thought into what people think. Going through this kind of cancer with such a invasive scar, you have to be humbled at one point. I am……..
So I get to the room and they let me know that I won the $300. gift certificate for helping to vote for Dr. Jim in the Readers Choice of the City. He was up against three other plastic surgeons. We are so proud that he was nominated and I don’t think winning is always necessary. I’m pretty sure there are outside firms that can be hired to do the voting for you which a lot of the people use but who wants to win because you paid to win. I’m proud that he was nominated.
He reminded me today that the color of the scar or the lightness of it will come with time. I figured that but from the very beginning he said fair skin blue eyed people make good scars so I’m going to count on that for sure.
I have to say that this time was way more painful. Going home I had my air-conditioner going full blast on my face as cold as it would go. As soon as I got home which wasn’t fast enough I filled a ice bag and got a little hand held fan to fan my face. Now I have always been pretty tough and could handle quite a bit of pain but this one hurt. Once I got it under control I have been okay.
I’m getting ready for my second treatment in a few days. I’m not nervous. I’m not looking forward to feeling like my face is on fire but that doesn’t last too long.
I know my face will never look the same again and I’m thinking maybe I should quit worrying and focus my prayers on praying the cancer doesn’t return. How lucky I’d be if that one time was the only battle I’d have to fight. But since when have I been lucky?
There’s been so much going on lately. I don’t understand how God allows so much on our shoulders at one time. Am I not passing the test to His liking?
Just feeling overwhelmed today. I don’t know how much more I can take.
The little red spots will go away. I bet after zapping it two more times it will be really light in color. That’s what we want. I am bound and determined to get rid of the ugly brown spots too. I think I deserve a little extra treatment.
I was so excited to do this that I didn’t care if it hurt like a son of a gun. Now I have to wait and see what it looks like in a week or two. I have another one scheduled in a month.
He did it pretty aggressively because I ask him to. I told him I wanted to see some results and if he wanted me to come back for two more, I better see some results.
It really smarts when it’s firing the lights. I can’t imagine what it would feel like without numbing cream. Ouch!!
I’m trying to pick out a picture of my ugly red face to show you but for now, this is the picture you get to see. I’ll also take a picture tomorrow so we can see the stages of the healing process.
So number one laser resurfacing is behind me.
Did I mention Dr Jim is up for one of the top five plastic surgeons by people’s choice? Go vote for him please. There’s a link on my home page.
Thank you everyone for following along with me. I appreciate the company. 🙂
Well, here it is. No makeup on. Taken with my phone late this evening. He was right. It seemed like it had lightened up and then gradually got darker as we neared the two month mark. I’m hoping it lightens up again or that the laser helps.
I slowed down on using the prosil. i started getting bumps all over my face and frankly even though it was probably just a reaction, it alarmed me. I’m going to start practicing with some makeup and see if I can feel better about myself.
In a week I’m going to do the first laser treatment. Dr. Jim said they have to laser your whole face, they can’t just laser the scar. Heck yeah, laser my whole body, I’m game. This getting old granny skin sucks!!
It blasts thousands of tiny holes in your skin forcing it to make new collagen to heal its self. So in turn after it heals you have new skin. He said it will ooze and be crusty and of course I will show pictures. You know me, I’m not hiding. I want women to know there is hope that you can look better even after having a surgery like mine.
I’ve been letting a little fear creep in that the cancer will come back. One reason it’s because of things people say. The lady who checked my groceries said her father got it in his brain six months after he had a spot removed off his nose. Of course it quickly claimed his life. I can’t figure out how she thought sharing that information with me would be comforting. I was going to write a whole blog on this very thing. People really do need to think before they speak. I’m not talking about walking on eggshells, just use your brain.
Okay, I’m one day late getting this up. If I don’t hit publish now, it may be three months. 🙂
I’ve been pretty good about going outside my house and letting strangers see me but Friday I have to go to a funeral and that means all the family and most of the people I care about will be seeing my face for the first time. That makes me very anxious and nervous. I wish I could disguise it so no one can tell but I can’t.
I’m nearing my two month mark again on this second surgery. Remember the drill…..that’s when the scar will look its worst. I’m still not sure why but in this case it’s true. It’s not looking real good. After the first surgery I didn’t get to make it past the two month mark so I have no idea when it’s suppose to start looking better.
I’ve actually only left the prosil off and put makeup on twice so I have been being diligent about doing my part. Twelve weeks with the prosil. It feels like its been six months but I know it’s not.
Please forgive me if I’m repeating myself. It’s just getting boring and I’m ready for something good to happen. I’m ready to blow torch four layers of skin off. Let’s get this ball rolling.
I need to tell you about my interesting trip to the grocery store when I can get a chance. Maybe I’ll do that real soon.
I think some of the sensory nerves that were cut are starting to connect a little. I remember that point on the first surgery. Nerves had started to connect again and even just the corner of the pillow touching my cut woke me up saying. “Ouch.” I guess maybe I’m at that point again from this second surgery. It’s starting to get tender. I’m not complaining. I’d rather get the sensations back and feel a little pain than for it to remain numb forever. One crazy thing I’ve noticed even after the first surgery, when I touch the upper eyelid, I feel it on the bottom eyelid. It’s really kind of strange. I don’t know if that will ever work it’s self out because its been that way and happening since the first surgery. Funny strange feeling 🙂
I hope your day is blessed. I just wanted to share this little bit of interesting info with you. I must have had two nerve ends that didn’t belong together, made connection…. 🙂
I’m going to get my permanent crown today. I pray it lasts until I’m dead. I seem to be pretty hard on teeth. It’s either that or I feel way too much, things normal people don’t feel. I’m drawing to the conclusion that I’m strange. Maybe different would be a better word.
So I thought I was ready to change my profile picture on Facebook to a current picture but I guess I’m not ready. I can’t stand to look at it. I don’t think I even left it up for one day. I guess it’s part of the process you have to go through. No one knows how you would react until you go through it. I guess I’ll know when I’m ready.
May is melanoma skin cancer awareness month. You guys and girls protect your skin. Stay out of those tanning salons. Put your sun screen on those cheeks all you motorcycle riders. You don’t want to end up like me.
For now, I’ll go. Better get ready for the dentist.
Did you know anything I need to do to make my scar better is coming strait out of my pocket? Insurance doesn’t care if I have a big scar on my face. It just doesn’t seem fair as much as we have to pay for coverage, does it?
Well I’m somehow going to save enough money to fix my face. If that means cutting back even though I don’t feel like I spend frevilously, I’ll cut and save so I can get my scar revised. I deserve that..!! I’m feeling a little emotionally drained today..!!
I’ve lost track how long I have to do the Prosil. Maybe I’ll remember tomorrow. This is day 33 since my last surgery and I tried putting a little makeup on the rest of my face. I’m not sure it helps……..
Needless to say I’m trying to stay busy. This is statement time so the first few days of the month are crazy. Oh, and I opened a letter from the IRS saying they found a mistake on our return a couple of years ago and we owed over 36,000 dollars. Yeah right!! There’s always something to stir your nerves all up, isn’t there?
Here’s a picture from this morning. I’ll be so glad when I can do the things I have planned. But I can’t until it’s all healed.
I’m trying to take a picture of day 32 so I can show the progress and the pics are all ugly. I don’t think there’s any progress. But Dr. Jim and Dr. Julie both siad it looked great. Even a few nurses said it looked good. What on earth did they see that I don’t see?
I think I’m going to have to wait until I can have six layers of skin laser-ed off my face. Maybe it would help if I put a little make up on. Some things even makeup can’t help. Isn’t it funny how when you look at something in a mirror, you think it doesn’t look too too bad, then you take a picture and picture’s don’t lie. Obviously mirrors do…….lol
Why does time seem like it just crawls when you want it to hurry?? I’m tired of waiting. God is certainly teaching me patience, isn’t He? I’m not doing very good and I should be ashamed…… If I would hurry up and learn my lessons maybe I can move on to the next test.
Let’s get this show on the road. How about getting the ball rolling? Head em up, move em out…….I’m tired of sitting around mildewing……
Forgive me Lord.
I was able to see Dr Julie and Dr Jim this last Thursday and both were very pleased at how my scar looked. Don’t you imagine they see some pretty ugly ones? Dr. Jim could tell I had been doing my part. You know? I also believe with all my heart that this last few months I have found favor in Gods eyes. I feel so unworthy of any favor but I humbly accept it. Thank you God for this journey I’ve been on. If we can ever just learn to trust Him……even in the bad times.
I’ve been very faithful to put on the prosil and even ordered a second tube. I’m still not exactly sure what its doing but it must be doing something. Maybe I’ll post a recent picture so you can be the judge.
He did remind me that the scar would look its worse at two months so I have four more weeks to reach the two month mark. I’m not going to like that.
Some days my attitude is better than others. I finally was able to find a new primary care doctor and I love her. You don’t know how difficult that was going through this cancer ordeal and not having a primary care Dr. I could call on. I think I’m going to love her.
I’m trying to get back to normal and get into the grove of my life. I’ve done about three photo shoots and have a couple more coming up. That’s not my full time job but I enjoy so much the creative part of it. I wish I could do it full time. But I’m thinking it would never work. I put WAY too much of myself into my pictures. That’s why I can really only take on my regulars. I don’t have the time to add many more clients.
You all you have prayed for me and who continue to pray for me, I can never repay you and will forever be indebted to you for your love and support.
I have to get to work. I just wanted to stop and say hi. These next few weeks are going to be pretty boring. Maybe I’ll do a series of pictures like a time warp.
I can’t hardly stand to go back and look at old pictures. It was really making me sad. I can’t believe I’m having that reaction. I thought I was made of a little tougher material. I find myself not even wanting the old pictures up anymore because that’s not me now. But it was me then so I hope I get over wanting to do that.
I have to keep reminding myself what the alternative would have been. Like the surgeon said, What’s the use of being pretty if you’re laying in a casket.
I have to keep reminding myself how close we cut it and how lucky I was that I had it checked when I did. We got it just in the nick of time. Thank you Jesus.
I have to keep reminding myself that there are so many people out there fighting way bigger battles and at least I’m alive.
I have to keep reminding my self that God must surely have a purpose in allowing this in my life and that I can glorify His name through it all.
I have to keep reminding myself that this ugly scar does not define me. It does not control me. It does not represent who I am.
I have to keep reminding myself that if I’m patient, time will make it look better and my Dr. can make it look better.
It just makes me sad to see old pictures. I can’t stand to pass a mirror. Some times I forget it’s there and then I get a rude awakening.
I’m just human 😦 and I’m a lady
Wow! I think my body is still battling a bug. I’m still not myself in the early mornings fore sure. Tomorrow is the second half of my root canal so I’m hoping that goes well. I should have never thought I could go through major dental work and facial surgery at the same time. I don’t know what got into me. I must have thought I was super woman….ha ha. I’ll soon be making my appointment to get the posts put in for my new indestructible teeth. I’m excited to get all that finished. I just do not know how people manage without all their teeth. I have to absolutely have ALL my teeth.
I started my prosil treatment on my scar. It takes twelve weeks for it to do it’s thing. It says also if your scar stops responding to it then it’s done all it’s going to do. I’m not sure what that means but I’m going to ask.
I think I will for sure be doing a laser treatment. When we started this process, Dr. Lowe said we could do the C02 laser but the nurse said the other day he would use the pixel laser. I hope he uses what ever laser I want. It’s my face, right? I’ve tried to do some research on both of them to see which one would be best for me. He will have to laser my whole face and not just my scar.
The skin under my eye is stretched just about as far as it can be stretched. I’m hoping some of the skin under the scar gives a little, so there won’t be so much tension on that thin tender skin right under my eye.
After the laser which I cant do for about six to eight months, If i’m not happy with that, I’m going to have the other side of my face pulled tight so it will match the other side. Yep! I am……it’s called a mini face lift. I don’t want to look fake but I am going to try my best to build my confidence back up. I definitely don’t like walking into a place and have everyone look at me. That’s not a good feeling at all. I hate it.
I did get my income tax returns post marked today. Did you? Oh I bet most of you get loads of money back so you get them in early. We don’t…..ha ha
Below is a picture I took today. Twenty days since my last surgery. I have the prosil on the scar. I wish it was a little more matte and not shiny. But hey, got to give it a try.
Wow! I have been dealing with some up and downs that came out of no where. I thought I was doing really good with the new me. After all there’s not much I can do to change it.
I am still so appreciative of a second chance at life. I’m also grateful that we got it in the earlier stages. None of those things will ever be forgotten in my heart.
What I’m experiencing right now is the feelings of seeing ugly every time I have to look in the mirror.
I know these things are so trivial to you but they are deep to me.
Every day that more and more swelling goes out, the looks of the incision change. For a couple of days just out if no where it got real dark and it seemed like I was going to have a permanent dark shadow right below my eye.
I saw the surgeon last week. He said just as soon as the scabs are gone I can start the prosil. I’m not exactly sure what the stuff does but he said something about it actually changing the protons in my skin. It’s a irritant so that’s why the scabs have to be gone. It’s a silicone shield that holds in moisture and lets it get oxygen. Supposedly a perfect environment for a scar. Twelve weeks of that and then we go from there.
I think I’m just making adjustments to my attitude.
I think my immune system must be taxed because I feel like I have a bug. I have felt bad all day long. Will the day ever come? Will I ever feel normal again. I just want to have a good day. It seems like its been so long.
In the 2010 AJCC staging of melanoma, which of the following feature replaces Clark’s level as a primary criterion for defining T1b in thin melanomas? Thin melanoma is <1mm in thickness with 95% 5 year survival. Increasing primary tumor mitotic rates, expressed per square millimeter, were found to be associated with declining survival rates, particularly in thin melanomas, as reflected in the most recent AJCC staging scheme.
Breslow used a lot more now. Clark levels really only useful if you’re dealing with a thin melanoma (if it’s Clark 4 or 5, then it’s still a bad prognosis).
OMG, is this not the best looking ten day old scar you have ever seen? Can you imagine what it’s going to look like after we’re done with it and God’s done with it? I’m excited..!! Can you tell? Dr. Jim Lowe, you hit it out of the ballpark this time. Wait until it starts to fade. Holy Moly, as Henry would say, this is awesome…!! Thank you Dear Jesus, the great surgeon of them all. Thank you for giving me another chance at this.
Sitting in this chair leaning on a heating pad. I woke up with my back pinched or out of whack!!
I need a miracle because I have a photo shoot tomorrow. Back please don’t fail me now…!! I need you
While sitting here hurrying up waiting, I was thinking what I needed was a Zoro mask. Then I got to thinking, “No dummy, not a Zoro mask, you need a phantom of the opera mask!!!! I’ve never seen that musical. Maybe it’s time I do.
I DO NEED to be able to walk upright by early afternoon tomorrow. Please pray. These are college graduation pictures. I need to nail them 🙂
The morning right before Dr. Lowe took out the stitches. I didn’t really know he was going to take them out just a few days after my surgery so I didn’t take my photographer with me…..(ha ha) It definitely was going to be a new one. I fired the first one, remember?
I haven’t seen what it looks like without the stitches yet. I’m sure it will look better than the first one. For some reason this one looks straighter and a little bit shorter than the first one. I’m sure it is straighter but I’m not sure it could be shorter. Can you wait to see it without the black threads? Okay, I’ll take a new picture 🙂 Are you sick of my pictures yet?
He told me I would like it better. That’s sounds crazy, doesn’t it? How could I like any ugly thing like that? It’s not likable in my mind. But it saved my life so I’ll embrace it. What other choice do you have?
I don’t feel good. I slept 12 1/2 hours last night. I wonder what’s up with that? I worked in the office 9 hours yesterday and didn’t get finished. It wasn’t because I felt good, it was because I had to. I’m ready to see the finish line, what ever the heck it is.
I’m going to take my bandage off tonight or in the morning. That will probably get me good and upset. It always shocks me in the beginning and takes me a day to get use to looking at it. I bet this time it looks way better than the first. But I don’t want to set myself up to be disappointed.
I’m setting here waiting to go in for my appointment and for some reason I cried all the way up here. I don’t know why I’m so emotional and I’m certainly not walking in until I can get control of myself. I was emotional yesterday too.
I’m not scared. I just know they won’t find anything. I’m not upset about my scar and am actually going to walk in with it uncovered. It’s a beautiful scar, if scars can posses beauty. So that’s not upsetting me.
I was nauseous all morning and had my usual crackers just to keep something on my stomach. Actually ate crackers all the way up here. Taking pills on a empty stomach isn’t good. I still can’t eat. That root canal still must have infection in it. I’m supposed to see the dentist tomorrow.
I’m still on a strong antibiotic from my surgery. You would think that would take care of any infection in the tooth. I’m wondering if its resistant to the antibiotic and that’s exactly what my crazy little damaged heart can’t take.
I wonder if I’m worrying about that? I think when I leave here, I’ll put a call into my heart doctor and ask him. Maybe I’m just tired of it all. Growing weary can make people emotional. Or satan can try and upset me.
Get behind me satan. You don’t own me or control me. I’m a daughter of the King of Kings. My life has already been paid for…!!
Don’t you hate it when you don’t know why your crying? Even though I have the greatest sisters and mom in the world, the most awesome kids and grand babies, just a enormous support system, you STILL sort of feel alone. I wonder why?
Easter Sunday. A very busy week ended with a insane busy weekend. Thank you Jesus for giving your life for me so I can be forgiven…..
I was told to start letting it get air so here you go. It’s getting air.
I see him early tomorrow morning and then getting my full body check. I’m not worried. I don’t think they will find anything.
Sorry for the short entry but my reserve tank is empty.
I’m going out looking like this in the morning so world, here I come…….
Wow! I had a major bad night. I had some residual pain pop up from my root canal last Thursday. That was enough to bring this grown woman to her knees. I can’t believe I’m actually trying to deal with two major things in my life at the same time. Dental procedures and facial surgery. If it doesn’t kill me I’m definatley going to be one tough cookie. And throwing in cooking for Easter dinner helps bring the stress full circle.
But thank you Jesus I called my dentist and she’s going to help me survive the weekend and finish my root canal early this week. How many dentist would just go out of their way to accommodate your life and your schedule? Not many and she’s my angel. Thank you Dr. Stewart for being my angel and I’m sorry for hunting you down on your weekend. You are the best and I always know I can count on you.
So I’m thinking about trying to stuff some Easter eggs. At least I know I’m not going to die from Endocarditis this weekend.
Last but not least, actually it’s first in my heart. Thank you Dear Jesus for dying on the cross for me and giving your life for my sins so that I might be forgiven. You are the King of Kings.
Going to get the incision checked. I thought it bled too much and I wanted to make sure nothing busted loose. I don’t know why I’m smiling in this picture. I guess I just hate a sourpuss face. This is Day three, right? Hoping to get a new bandage and get this bloody one off. After all Easter is here and I needed a fresh bandage so I can be in some pictures. Right? Right…….that doesn’t explain the silly face but at least I’m not pooching my lip out.
My new clean bandage. He said everything looked awesome and thankfully nothing had busted loose. Everything was still in tact. Thank you Dear Jesus.
Dr. Jim said that this scar was going to be a awesome one. He said, “I think your going to like it.” I told him I already knew I’d like it. The first one didn’t look too awfully bad and we hadn’t even started scar therapy. I am so blessed to have such a awesome team on my side.
I have moved my Monday appointment to see Dr Lowe to tomorrow at 2:00 just to make sure I didn’t bust some stitches. The bleeding was probably normal but I’d rather make sure. The first surgery my face was numb for three days so it wouldn’t move at all. This time I moved it way too much. I will feel better knowing its all intact. So I’m going to try and get some rest so my feet can hit the floor running.
So all will be good. I guess I will still have to go Monday for my full body check. I bet that will be fun…..NOT
I think I might have jumped the gun on smiling to stretch the skin. It was either that or I shouldn’t have been chewing food but I got my incision bleeding last night and it kind of scared me. I sure hope I didn’t break something open. I’m not moving my mouth until Monday until I see the surgeon. It probably wasn’t as much as I thought it was but anytime you feel something wet rolling down your face it’s sort of frightening. I’ll call the Dr. If it does it again. My bandage sure won’t be very pretty for Easter dinner.
Day two. I’m up and at my regular duties. There’s not much convalescing time when your business is a two man show. This is a busy time of the year with taxes and fixing to be the end of the month.
I slept good. Probably because I didn’t sleep much the night before. I set my phone to play an hour of a medium size rain storm and only remember about five minutes of it. I did wake up every time I turned over but that is normal. For some reason it’s all I can do to roll over with back pain. And one time my face got stuck to my pillow and I had to carefully un-peal myself from the pillow case.
Both my cheeks are hot and rosy so there my be a tiny bit of fever in there. The incision didn’t get numbed this time so I woke up in recovery this time hurting. The last surgery the numbing lasted three days. This time I don’t think he hardly used any. He said he was sorry. So I’m having to take the pain pills which I don’t like to have to do.
I’ve decided that if I do a lot of fake smiling that the skin will stretch faster. Only thing it hurts to smile right now. I’ll have to fake smile right after a pain pill. How’s this for fake smiling?
This time it not only pulled my eye down, it pulled my lip higher. That might be good to have a higher lip but not a droopy eye.
I hope I’m not coming off like I’m vain. I think it’s more of my impatient nature. I know in the end they won’t leave me disfigured but I don’t want to wait for the skin to stretch, I want it now..!! Today..!!
I promise pictures when I get use to looking at them first. That’s my purpose in this blog is for you to walk it with me so I know that includes pictures 😉
This is part of my “Jesus Calling” devotional for today.
Be still in My Presence, even though countless tasks clamor for your attention. Nothing is as important as spending time with Me. While you wait in My Presence, I do My best work within you: transforming you by the renewing of your mind. If you skimp on this time with Me, you may plunge headlong into the wrong activities, missing the richness of what I have planned for you.
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Lord this is your daughter Vickie, help me to be patient so that I can let You do your best work in me.
I’m not sure at this point I want to go out in public. Another big piece has been removed from my face. It was a lot.
I know I’m suppose to be the big brave tower of strength but I felt myself crumble today. I have been emotionally weak most of the day.
He’s expecting the pathology to come back in my favor but wanted to remind me that since the cancer skips, it certainly could come back to where we have to cut again. And since I’m so darn unlucky, that scares me. Also a friend that’s a Dr. wants me to take it very serious and watch it very close.
I’m hoping it stops. I want it dead.
We are starting the healing process all over from the beginning. I can see where a person could grow weary but I’m going to try and stay positive. It’s just not me to stay down for the count.
Maybe a picture tomorrow. I’ll just add them to this entry so watch for them that’s if you want to see them.
I don’t look very happy here. It was a lot better when I had all the kids and family there to distract me. This second surgery I told them not to fuss over me that it was going to be a piece of cake. Anyways, this is what it looked like right before he drew on me with the magic marker
This is the markings of what he took out. Of course they cut on the outside of the blue line. I was sort of prepared but it’s always shocking to see it in a picture. My face is feeling pretty tight now. See how much more that eye is opened up than the other side. It’s even more opened now.
Trying to look fake happy that it’s over. Looks like they gave me a iodine bath.
Phase two after the recovery room. The room you have to drink and pee and stand in before they will let you go home.
Depends on the way I hold my head whether the droop shows as bad. Maybe it’s if my mouth is closed that pulls my eye down. I’ll just have to walk around with my mouth open all the time……lol.
Waiting On Me
This is my Jesus Calling devotional for today, March 26th, the day of my surgery.
“Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.”
“I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one’s circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence. Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will. It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy.”
I liked the first part – “Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do.” I like to think about all the possibilities of what His plans are.
The whole thing spoke to my heart for this particular day. It says for me to trust God with every fiber of my being instead of trying to figure things out myself, to live in deep dependence on Him and ready to do His will. I could sure use a resurgence of hope.
I know there will always be a fear in me that another cancer will appear. That’s the way they usually play their dirty game. We will be vigilant to keep our eye out but just like mine proved, melanoma doesn’t have to be dark and ugly. So I don’t want to freak out every time a pink spot appears. I hope God gives me wisdom to know the difference.
I’ll come post after my surgery is over and I wake up.
I hope I can get some sleep tonight. I have a 6:00 check in time and that’s way too early. That’s before the rooster crows, isn’t it?
I’ve kinda been in a somber mood today. There wasn’t much that motivated me. I did what absolutely had to be done and that’s it.
I have to find something to wear tomorrow that’s easy to get over my head. Surely to goodness I won’t have my head wrapped in gauze this time.
The wind sounds bone chilling and when I get cold all the way to my bones, there’s hardly anything that can warm me. Beautiful sun shining spring, please come back!! I have Easter goodies to buy.
I’m not sure if my nerves are just now starting to grow back together where they have been cut but several times in the last two days I’ve experienced pain in my incision. I bet that’s what it is or either its pulling because its healing. I can’t hardly complain much.
I have another surgery again tomorrow. Then we start the healing process over from the beginning. I’ll be a pro at it this time. I have decided I’m going to tell him to take as much as he needs to take. I don’t want to do this again. They are so sparingly because its your face. If it were your arm or leg, they would take huge margins because its such dangerous stuff. Well, I want to make sure it’s gone. If one little bit were left in there to grow, it could kill me.
I’m not afraid to die but I think God has some more planned for me to do. Thank you if you are praying for me. Words can’t express my appreciation.
Walk With Me 